Attorney O’s Midnight Musings: Connecticut Law

Posted By Administrator on July 27, 2010

Over the last couple of weeks, as I spent time with clients and in court waiting for my cases to be called, I began to ponder the difference between good parents and bad parents. This isn’t the first time I’ve thought about this, of course, but I revisited the topic from a different vantage point.

Every day, parents fight it out with each other in courtrooms all over the country. Often, one person is claiming that the other person is a “bad” parent. The list of reasons varies, of course, but the belief that the other parent is “bad” doesn’t waver. I hear all sorts of allegations: “He doesn’t put them to bed until 10:00 on a school night when he has them” or “She actually bought our 16-year-old a cell phone for his birthday” or “When he’s with his father, he’s allowed to drink soda” or “My ex-wife signed our son up for piano lessons instead of Little League.” The aforementioned are apparently considered parenting faux pas by the opposing parties and to them, automatically define the other as a “bad” parent.

Basically, most people believe they can agree on a list of things that make someone a “good” parent. Similarly, most people believe they can agree on what makes someone a “bad” parent. Notice that in each instance, I used the phrase “believe they can agree” rather than “can agree”. Why? Thanks for asking. I did some informal field research and here’s what I found out:

To some people, a “good” parent is kind, loving and understanding. To others, it’s one thing to be loving and kind but “it’s not a parent’s job to be the child’s friend.” Some people told me that a “good” parent teaches a child lessons gently and with constant regard for the child’s self-esteem. Others poo-pooed that method saying that children who learn hard lessons never forget them and that the whole “making nice” parenting style is a lot of hoo ha. (These are very technical terms).

One man told me that to be a good parent to a son, a father has to teach him not to be a sissy. When I asked him to elaborate, he said that he better not ever find one of his boys crying or he’d “give him something to cry about.” Ouch!

I expected fathers to be tougher on their sons and easier on their daughters. Pardon the stereotype, but I was thinking about that whole “Daddy’s little girl” thing. I was surprised to hear some fathers tell me that their sons would learn to be men through sports and the military but that they had to be tough on their daughters so they wouldn’t grow up to be “tramps” or “sappy bimbos” (that was an actual response, I kid you not).

By the time I had worked my way through the fathers in my little poll, I dared not have any stereotypical expectations of mothers. Whew, was I glad I didn’t. One mother told me that she fully expected her son to be a strong man who didn’t display any signs of weakness. To accomplish that task, she explained that if he cried like a baby (the kid was 6), she would send him to his room and let him think about how he had just embarrassed himself.

Another mother told me she was afraid her daughter was too smart and so she would have difficulty finding a husband. (Is this 2010???) To combat that problem, she encouraged her daughter to steer clear of the debate club and the student government.

If I were list a series of traits and ask you if they made for a “good” parent or a “bad” parent, I’m rather sure that I would receive varied responses. Let’s test that theory:

“Good” Parent or “Bad” Parent?

1) Spanks a child when he or she has done something wrong.

2) Never spanks a child, no matter how bad the offense.

3) Is never critical of a child for fear of damaging his or her self-esteem.

4) Always points out when a child has made a mistake in order to teach the child to recognize mistakes so as not to repeat them.

5) Pays a child an allowance to do weekly household chores in order to teach the child the value of hard work and earning one’s own living.

6) Expects a child to perform weekly household chores without receiving financial compensation because the child has to learn that all members of the family must contribute to making the household run.

Okay, you get the idea.

I’m reasonably sure we can all agree that a “good” parent would never torture a child or force a child to commit sexual acts. I’m even pretty darn sure that we can all agree that a “bad” parent would not think twice about doing such things.

Every day, courts are asked to make determinations about custody and visitation. In effect, they are asked to decide if mothers and fathers are “good” parents or “bad” parents. Judges listen to the most amazing arguments. Sometimes, I’m surprised they don’t laugh right out loud. Other times, I’m shocked they don’t break down and cry.

Categories: Musings
Tags: Parenting