It’s All About the Timing
Posted By Administrator on March 3, 2010
I was purging the office file cabinets of closed cases today and one of the files jogged my memory about a case I participated in a few years ago. As an attorney, it is always important to maintain professional decorum in court. In other words, spontaneous laughter by a lawyer listening to a witness being questioned by another lawyer probably won’t sit well with a judge. They teach you that in law school. 
Don’t laugh in court. Well, perhaps if the judge is laughing it’s okay for the lawyers to laugh along with him or her. I should e-mail one of my old professors to find out for sure. I’ll get back to you on that.
On the day in question, I was serving as a court-appointed GAL (Guardian Ad Litem) for the minor child in a paternity case. The alleged father had recently been released from prison and the State was brining a paternity action as a precursor to a child support action.
In such cases, the Assistant Attorney General (AAG, for short) generally asks the mother a series of personal – but necessary – questions that may help to establish paternity. Rather than put the mother on the witness stand, the magistrate allowed the AAG to question her while she (the mother) remained standing at the counsel table. I stood to the mother’s left, facing the magistrate. I was literally standing right in front of him. Well, I was about 5 feet away from the bench, but I was standing directly in his line of vision. The AAG stood to the mother’s right and consulted her notes. The court clerk, a court reporter, and two marshals were facing us from the front left side of the courtroom. The courtroom was packed, quiet and extremely bored.
As you read the following exchange, keep in mind that 1) I was intent on maintaining professional decorum at all costs; 2) I was in full view of a magistrate the entire time and therefore could NOT laugh for any reason; and 3) The clerk, court reporter and both marshals were laughing hysterically almost the entire time. Sound like fun? Read on.
AAG to the mother: Okay, Miss Y, I have to ask you some very personal questions now. Do you understand?
Mother: Yes.
AAG: Okay. Miss Y, did you have intercourse with Mr. X around the time you became pregnant?
Mother: Yes.
AAG: Were you having intercourse with any other man around the time you became pregnant?
Mother: What? No, just him.
AAG: Did you give birth to the child on or about April 1, 2006?
Mother: Yeah, that’s my kid’s birthday.
AAG: So, is it safe to say that you became pregnant sometime around July 1st of 2005?
Mother: No.
AAG: No? Well, did you find out you were pregnant sometime in July or maybe August?
Mother: No, I had the baby on April 1st.
AAG: I understand that. I’m trying to determine when you became pregnant.
Mother: Ok.
AAG: So if you had the baby on April 1, 2006, is it reasonable to say that you would have become pregnant sometime in July of 2005, right?
Mother: No.
AAG: No? Okay, so if you had the baby on … here, look at this calendar … 
Mother: Ok, I will.
AAG: Counting backwards … see … April, March, February, January, December, November, October, September, August, July. That’s 9 months, right?
Mother: I guess so.
AAG: You guess so?
Mother: Well, you counted. I was just watching.
AAG: Okay, well, let’s look at the calendar again.
[At this point, the AAG points to each month starting with April and counts out loud backward to July while the mother nods.]
AAG: So you must have gotten pregnant sometime in July then?
Mother: No.
AAG: Okay, well, did you deliver the baby prematurely then?
Mother: No, Ma’am, he was full term. 10 pounds.
AAG: Full term, I see. So then wouldn’t you have become pregnant in July of 2005? 9 months before the baby’s birth?
Mother: No.
AAG: No?
[The AAG is ready to tear her hair out at this point. The rest of the courtroom is listening intently, waiting to see what she’ll ask next. Me included. She removes her reading glasses and looks the mother right in the eye.]
AAG: [Long exasperated sigh]
AAG: Okay, Miss Y. Can you please tell me when you become pregnant?
Mother: Before I had the baby.
Author’s Note: You just can’t make this stuff up!
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I laughed my fool head off while reading this. I can’t imagine having to be standing in court and keeping a straight face while this woman was testifying. Too funny.